Tuesday, September 24, 2013

What am I to do?

The devil is trying to bring me down, that's one thing I know for sure.
It seems like, as soon as I got married, suddenly, death was all around me, trying to steal my happiness. How am I supposed to handle that?

My grandpa, who means so much to me, couldn't come to my wedding because he has bone cancer.. 2 days later I found out, it's the most painful caner there is. 


Living With Cancer

Multiple myeloma is a cancer of your plasma cells, a type of white blood cell present in your bone marrow. Plasma cells normally make proteins called antibodies to help you fight infections.
In multiple myeloma, a group of plasma cells (myeloma cells) becomes cancerous and multiplies, raising the number of plasma cells to a higher than normal level. Since these cells normally make proteins (antibodies), the level of abnormal proteins in your blood also may go up. Health problems caused by multiple myeloma can affect your bones, immune system, kidneys and red blood cell count.
If you have multiple myeloma but don't have symptoms, your doctor may just monitor your condition. If you're experiencing symptoms, a number of treatments are available to help control multiple myeloma.
Basically. My grandpa's cancer is eating him alive, faster than any of us even knew possible. And my daddy, doesn't exactly know how to handle it. i know this because, last night, he said, "Hey you're grandpa's dying, just thought you should know" and he tagged on a little attitude that I didn't appreciate. I couldn't tell if he was trying to make me feel like a bad person, for not showing pain the way he does, or what. Regardless, it's basically throwing it more in my face than it already was. 

On top of that, sweet Jacob Pettitt, passed away on Saturday. I was about to shoot some wedding photos when i got word, and my heart is still breaking for his family. He was not only their only child, but 15 years old. I watched this little guy play soccer with my brother Jacob, that's one of the reasons it hits me so hard. He's the same age as my brother almost exactly. When they were out on the field together, someone would yell "JACOB" and they would BOTH stop and look. It was precious. I consider things like this, God testing our faith. I sure know he's testing mine. This has really hit close to home. Made me realize how much I take life for granted. I know God's holding him now, but this whole thing has impacted my life. 

Last but not least, there's Dakota. 

This one's hard for me to talk about. I was there for it all. I wasn't there when it happened, but it wasn't long until I knew. I grew up with this guy. I spent many days at his house with his sister and him. He was younger than me but he picked on me just like he would anyone his age. He knew who I had a crush on and made it known. I remember one time his mom and my mom had a yard sale, and it was one of those 2 day deals. So I spent like 3 days with them, and we literally played outside for like 3 days straight. Even as we got older and didn't talk much, every time we'd see each other he'd smile, or say hi, just something to let me know that he still remembered who I was when I was sure he'd forgotten. That same thing happened the last time I saw him, at Cookout. That seemed to be where I always saw him, every time. He smiled, and said hi, and I still see that in my head, every time I think of him. His smile was the best thing in the world. I guess I'm bringing myself down a little, so I should stop, but the level of grief right now, is hard to bear. 

It may test my faith but it doesn't weaken it. I know these precious souls are in Heaven now, watching over all of us, living a life so much better than ours, we can't even imagine. Dakota and Jacob are probably friends already. They're probably racing in the streets of gold. It's just hard for me, to be here, and them be there. Death is becoming more and more real as I get older, and while, it's a scary thought, i'm not afraid to die, i'm only afraid of who i'll leave behind when I do. But I know one thing, I can't wait for hugs from Jacob and Dakota, I can't wait to see their faces again. It's things like this that take away my fear of not knowing anything about Heaven. Because one things for certain, I'll be in line with hundreds of others, waiting to put my arms around Dakota and Jacob. 

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