Monday, February 17, 2014

All that's dead inside. Can be reborn.

Who am i? I mean really.

Jessica Cavanaugh. 

3 syll. ca-va-nau-(g)(h)cav-ana-ugh ]

Formerly known as Jessica Fulcher. A.k.a a slut. An attention seeker, a smoker, a drinker, a pathetic, fat excuse for a living human. She doesn't mean anything to anyone, including herself.

NO. That's who I was TOLD I was. That is NOT who I am.
I've battled this question for years. It's not one of those stereotypical self assessment questions where I am trying to figure out the meaning of life or anything like that. I'm not depressed. I'm not questioning any piece of my existence. I'm just on a mission to figure out what i'm really doing. To know myself on a level deeper than the surface. Sure, no one knows me, except for me. When it comes to inside and out, but i feel like, sometimes, i ignore things about myself that need more attention. I feel like if i were really in tune with my body, my emotions and my ways of doing things, I would keep my composure and wouldn't lose control as easy. I don't spiral, I only veer off the path ever so slightly, when something presents itself to me and i'm unfamiliar with it. 
Maybe i'll take a minute to really bring up some things about me. Learn myself and let you learn me in the process. AH sweet release. 


Let's start with the basics. I'm 22. I have split parents. I sleep a lot and i'm whiney. ​I cry almost every day, and most of the time more than once in a day. I'm trying to figure out exactly what I want in life. I know some things, but some things are still fuzzy, but i feel like it will all continue to be more clear soon. 

There are so many things I want to do. I want to take pictures, I want to be a writer, I want to be a mother, I want to be a housewife. How am I supposed to accomplish this. I've really been talking to God more than anything lately. He has been really helping me. I feel like my life has been changing every single moment because of how close I am growing to God. I mean come on, look at the beautiful world we live in. We are so incredibly blessed. 

God really got my attention in 2012. I won't be afraid to admit that I was drifting past the point of no return it seemed. I learned what being judged really felt like. I was being judged every moment of my life, it seemed. I will never get it. I don't see how a person can tell you they are there for you one second, and then the next they are leaving you behind because of a mistake...I felt like there wasn't anyone I could truly trust, and when I put faith in someone they took advantage of it. This happened so many times, and it hurt every time, because I always found a way to forgive everyone, and they still hurt me. I felt like there was nothing left of me.. I had lost every ounce of strength I had left. I couldn't understand why i was being judged for everything. Why everyone hated me. I kept spiraling out of control. I let everyones words hurt me. I didn't say stop, I just kept letting life and SATAN smash me into the ground. I didn't love life. I hated life. Everything about it was just pure hell. I was doing stupid, ridiculous things, every day, just to keep my mind, honestly off of how much I hated life. Every person that gave me any kind of attention, made me feel like they were a friend, was saying something behind my back. I know everyone had their hard days, but I felt like I wasn't going to pull through. I really didn't. I was accused of doing things for attention (and maybe I was, heck, I was going to get judged or talked about anyway, why would I care?) One thing I have always hated about myself, is that I dig myself a hole. If i am in a situation that i don't like, i try and talk my way out of it. That's not how life works. Even today I try to do that with my husband and it gets me nowhere but in tears. But I would do this over and over and my life meant less and less to me. I never tried to take my own life, but I felt mentally dead. I felt like I was just walking through life, that I wasn't really doing anything and that I was never going to go anywhere. Suddenly, in the middle of all the chaos. God reminded me, that He was there. 
My life started to really turn around with this realization. I never really understood what it felt like to live life, until I had to learn to live it again. I felt like a baby learning to walk. I knew life meant something, but what did it mean?? Really. What did it mean. 

I still struggle with this. But when I sit in church and let God carry me away, It doesn't feel like a struggle. So many people hold my past over me, mistakes I made, or mistakes people say I made. But what I feel like they don't get, is, that isn't me anymore! I am not that person. God has cleaned me like a shiny new penny. I have left that person behind, and it wouldn't be possible without Him. My heart was black, nothing mattered, and now everything matters. I see all of the beauty in life. Sure there are still times when I cry, but only because I feel like I wasted so much of my life, not expressing my love for life. I held in to everything and didn't have the ability to move on. If I have learned ANYTHING...


Gosh, I promise it does. I never thought it was possible. Even tonight i've been thinking about life, and what I want to do for God to show his love more. I want to write. I want to take pictures. I want to excel at both. I want to change someones life besides my own, and let my words and images say more. I want my words to create images, and my images to create words. Does that make sense? Sure I have so many other plans with my life, but this life, I want to change. I want my life, to help someone elses life! IS it to much? Should I tone down my excitement? Do I need to think more realistically? I don't know. All i know is that I feel God leading me. I want to change lives. I want to let people like me (now and then) know, that it doesn't always get better fast, but it does change. Life never stays the same, and we just have to rely on God to carry us through. My husband is my life, but God is my EVERYTHING. He brought my husband to me. My job to me. My LIFE to me. Why not let HIM bring my FUTURE to me?

Loves.. i know it's hard. I know that sometimes you feel like you couldn't make another step without collapsing, but you just have to believe that you can push forward. 

This song really helped me. Hopefully someone else can be helped by it as well. 

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

 I'm really sorry if this sounds forced, but It's not. This is me. This is as real as it comes. 

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