All that's dead inside. Can be reborn.

Who am i? I mean really.

WELL.

Jessica Cavanaugh. 

[ 3 syll. ca-va-nau-(g)(h), cav-ana-ugh ]

Formerly known as Jessica Fulcher. A.k.a a slut. An attention seeker, a smoker, a drinker, a pathetic, fat excuse for a living human. She doesn't mean anything to anyone, including herself.

NO. That's who I was TOLD I was. That is NOT who I am.

I've battled this question for years. It's not one of those stereotypical self assessment questions where I am trying to figure out the meaning of life or anything like that. I'm not depressed. I'm not questioning any piece of my existence. I'm just on a mission to figure out what i'm really doing. To know myself on a level deeper than the surface. Sure, no one knows me, except for me. When it comes to inside and out, but i feel like, sometimes, i ignore things about myself that need more attention. I feel like if i were really in tune with my body, my emotions and my ways of doing things, I would keep my composure and wouldn't lose control as easy. I don't spiral, I only veer off the path ever so slightly, when something presents itself to me and i'm unfamiliar with it. 

Maybe i'll take a minute to really bring up some things about me. Learn myself and let you learn me in the process. AH sweet release. 

OH. THERE SHE IS.

Let's start with the basics. I'm 22. I have split parents. I sleep a lot and i'm whiney. ​I cry almost every day, and most of the time more than once in a day. I'm trying to figure out exactly what I want in life. I know some things, but some things are still fuzzy, but i feel like it will all continue to be more clear soon. 

There are so many things I want to do. I want to take pictures, I want to be a writer, I want to be a mother, I want to be a housewife. How am I supposed to accomplish this. I've really been talking to God more than anything lately. He has been really helping me. I feel like my life has been changing every single moment because of how close I am growing to God. I mean come on, look at the beautiful world we live in. We are so incredibly blessed. 

God really got my attention in 2012. I won't be afraid to admit that I was drifting past the point of no return it seemed. I learned what being judged really felt like. I was being judged every moment of my life, it seemed. I will never get it. I don't see how a person can tell you they are there for you one second, and then the next they are leaving you behind because of a mistake...I felt like there wasn't anyone I could truly trust, and when I put faith in someone they took advantage of it. This happened so many times, and it hurt every time, because I always found a way to forgive everyone, and they still hurt me. I felt like there was nothing left of me.. I had lost every ounce of strength I had left. I couldn't understand why i was being judged for everything. Why everyone hated me. I kept spiraling out of control. I let everyones words hurt me. I didn't say stop, I just kept letting life and SATAN smash me into the ground. I didn't love life. I hated life. Everything about it was just pure hell. I was doing stupid, ridiculous things, every day, just to keep my mind, honestly off of how much I hated life. Every person that gave me any kind of attention, made me feel like they were a friend, was saying something behind my back. I know everyone had their hard days, but I felt like I wasn't going to pull through. I really didn't. I was accused of doing things for attention (and maybe I was, heck, I was going to get judged or talked about anyway, why would I care?) One thing I have always hated about myself, is that I dig myself a hole. If i am in a situation that i don't like, i try and talk my way out of it. That's not how life works. Even today I try to do that with my husband and it gets me nowhere but in tears. But I would do this over and over and my life meant less and less to me. I never tried to take my own life, but I felt mentally dead. I felt like I was just walking through life, that I wasn't really doing anything and that I was never going to go anywhere. Suddenly, in the middle of all the chaos. God reminded me, that He was there. 

My life started to really turn around with this realization. I never really understood what it felt like to live life, until I had to learn to live it again. I felt like a baby learning to walk. I knew life meant something, but what did it mean?? Really. What did it mean. 

I still struggle with this. But when I sit in church and let God carry me away, It doesn't feel like a struggle. So many people hold my past over me, mistakes I made, or mistakes people say I made. But what I feel like they don't get, is, that isn't me anymore! I am not that person. God has cleaned me like a shiny new penny. I have left that person behind, and it wouldn't be possible without Him. My heart was black, nothing mattered, and now everything matters. I see all of the beauty in life. Sure there are still times when I cry, but only because I feel like I wasted so much of my life, not expressing my love for life. I held in to everything and didn't have the ability to move on. If I have learned ANYTHING...

THE STRUGGLE, ENDS...

Gosh, I promise it does. I never thought it was possible. Even tonight i've been thinking about life, and what I want to do for God to show his love more. I want to write. I want to take pictures. I want to excel at both. I want to change someones life besides my own, and let my words and images say more. I want my words to create images, and my images to create words. Does that make sense? Sure I have so many other plans with my life, but this life, I want to change. I want my life, to help someone elses life! IS it to much? Should I tone down my excitement? Do I need to think more realistically? I don't know. All i know is that I feel God leading me. I want to change lives. I want to let people like me (now and then) know, that it doesn't always get better fast, but it does change. Life never stays the same, and we just have to rely on God to carry us through. My husband is my life, but God is my EVERYTHING. He brought my husband to me. My job to me. My LIFE to me. Why not let HIM bring my FUTURE to me?

Loves.. i know it's hard. I know that sometimes you feel like you couldn't make another step without collapsing, but you just have to believe that you can push forward. 

This song really helped me. Hopefully someone else can be helped by it as well. 

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

 I'm really sorry if this sounds forced, but It's not. This is me. This is as real as it comes. 

Home is where the money goes, but should that matter?

Yes. I've gotten behind it seems. I am really sorry for this. But be prepared, because you have 3 different rants coming your way, and a couple of my "January/February Favorites". SO!

READY.
SET..
GO!

Welllllll.... let's start young love. I won't say what inspired me to write this post, but I was none the less, inspired. The question on my mind, is WHY THE HECK IS YOUNG LOVE SO WRONG?

This bothers me. I myself, have been "in love" 3 times. I do count each and every time as being in love, because I know how my heart feels when it's in love. I loved these three, during different points on my life, and loved them in very different ways. I loved them for different reasons, and each of them made me who I am because of that love.
In no order,
One taught me what it is like to fall for your best friend. What it's like to not care about what other people think, to feel like you need someone to survive.
One taught me what it feels like to be so unsure and so confident all at the same time.
And one taught me what it's like to truly trust someone with every aspect of your life, and what it's like not to be judged for your wrong doings.
What I don't understand is why parents these days see it as such a wrong, and unrealistic thing to love at the age of 16. I am 22 years old, and as I look back, I feel confident in saying that I did love the people I thought I loved then. My feelings on that have not changed. I don't see why adults these days don't see it possible, for humans to be in love if they're under the age of 18. Sure your definition of love matures as you grow older, and love matures as you grow older, but that doesn't mean, when I was 16 years old that I didn't fall in love for the very first time. It doesn't mean that you can't love more than once. If you can love God, at 16, then you can love another person at 16. It never fails to just irk me when I see or hear someones parent tell them that they don't know what love is. Now I will say, I don't believe that you can fall in love with someone in 2 weeks. That's a completely different story. You have to learn someone's soul before you can love it. At least from my experience. I'm not going to say that it's the only truth, but it's definitely what i've seen. I feel, if you can UNDERSTAND love, then you can do it. But you have to understand it. I do not have a doubt in my mind that people love, at all ages.

End first rant

How about debt. And the attitude of "I don't have any".
Sure Dyllon and I are buying a house. The cutest little house.
See.

I can't wait to make it ours. I feel so good about this. But all I have heard, is this.


THINK ABOUT YOUR MONEY.
BE SMART FINANCIALLY.
YOU'RE GONNA BE IN DEBT "FOREVER".
YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.
WAIT A WHILE.
LOOK AROUND.
DON'T SETTLE.

stop..
stopp..
stoppp..
stopp..
stopp! 

jeez. I want people to understand the way I see things. First of all. God is on my side. I could end it there. Whhy would I even begin to think that things won't work out in my favor when HE is carrying me?! Negativity may not kill, but it'll get you slapped. Second, I'm not going to be in debt forever. Believe it or not, i'm a twenty something, married to another twenty something, and we BOTH know how to handle our finances. We don't spend all our money on things we don't need, we don't party, we don't waste money, we have our priorities in line. We are ready for this.
We are tired of renting. Gah, and plus, our house payment, is going to be less than our rent now, in a place twice as large, better, nicer, and including all the insurance.
Plus, for goodness sake, it belongs to us. We're not settling, we're STARTING. We're beginning our home life as "The Cavanaugh's" Who knows, start a family. Either way. We're building the foundation of what is to come. We're married. IT'S IN GOD'S HANDS! We researched this honestly in depth before we considered buying. We shopped around, looked at tons, called about tons, and found this place. We prayed and prayed and prayed. This is it guys, let's throw a party!

End second, and slightly more intense rant.

Prepare for more tomorrow, but this is all I can manage tonight. I work first in the morning, and i've had my nose in a book all night.

This one.
AHH!

Jefferson Bethke. Check his stuff out.

Today was, pretty normal. Wanna see?

Honestly. Today was a day like any other day. Nothing really special happened. EXCEPT, my realtor let me know that our new home is officially under contract, and we will be moving in soon! Other than that. I went to work. I came home. But I'll let you know the details, no matter how boring..

Thank you to Lindsey Portis, for the inspiration :)

1. Me, not being happy because Surry called me at 5 A.M.
2. Me not being able to fall back asleep :(
3. I got up, and D was making breakfast.
4. It was so yummy, I had to take it's picture. It looked beautiful.
5. I looked outside, and yep, our yard and driveway is still bright white. Wondering if I am going to be able to take my car to work today. (turns out, my car bossed that snow up!)
6. Pages trip, to get coffee and yummy cream cheese squares.
7. and 8. Photos of my purchases. (we said no matter how boring.)

It's getting more boring.
1. See, UNDER CONTRACT :D
2. Taylor is being normal.
3. I guess i'll try to get some work done.
4. It took me hours to eat the other one.
5. Was an accidental picture.
6. I can't get over how easily the backs of these ipods scratch up. I don't know how it happens.
7. Break time!
8. Trying not to slip and fall on this ice.
9. See. Ice. And Snow.
 

1. Penelope is all salty.
2. Thought i'd show you people where I work. In case you're wondering. I'm a newspaper rat.
3. General photo inside my car. Yeah. Woo. Excitement.

1. Yeah, I forgot to show that i was clocking out for break.
2. Up the hill, headed home.
3. The jeep is salty and dirty too. I see baths for our babies soon.

This is just what I came home to for the most part. Top right two photos are of me in the car and the fact that I listened to country on the way home. The others are from when Dyllon made me a yummy dinner for my break. And then snuggled down to take a nap right before I left. 

Selfie. :)

I thought the fact that both of these are blurry was cool. Just general photos of me headed back to the news.

2nd shift tonight. Missing Kristi! Katelyn was entertained by me taking this photo, i told her she looked tiny. Rebecca was incredibly focused, bless her sweet heart. And Cody. Is always Cody :)

Me being tall. My wall of fame. What I do while I work. Cody with a candy cane.

I'm getting worn out in the top photo.
A Day To Remember is hitting me hard emotionally, and making me more upset in the bottom photo.

Bottom left is a letter I will probably never give my husband.
Bottom right is me watching Taylor Swift get beat up.
Top, is in the car, waiting for it to warm up, and heading home.

AND that brings us to now. I'm working on this blog post, and Dyllon is STILL napping. I wake him up now and then to say hey, and try to see if he'll stay awake (he doesn't) but it's okay. I know he needs rest. I'm getting cold though and I think it's time to make some hot chocolate. I hope y'all have enjoyed my boring day. I'm sure you probably expected more of me, but this is my routine. I love it. I wouldn't trade it for a thing in the world. I love my life. My job. My husband. I love it all.


Even if I am in a  bad mood tonight. I'm thankful to be alive.

HELP WANTED

Well I had snow photos, but silly brainless, home buying me, lost all composure when it was time to clock out, and I left my memory card in to computer  at work. I'm brilliant, I know.

Someone, please.. inspire me..
I want to write...

Page 26 / 365.

Write a letter to your 17-year-old self.

Dearest Jessica Louise Fulcher,
Happy Birthday! This is your 22 year old self. Look at you, 17. I can't believe how grown you think you are. You aren't. I promise. You've got so much to learn. Your life is about to change. That boy you like? He's going to break your heart. It will be your first heart break. It will hurt. But you will gain a life long best friend from meeting him. Samantha. Hold on tight. You're about to enter a roller coaster. This coming February, you will have your first kiss. He will kiss you once, and then he won't do it ever again. You will do all kinds of things someone your age, probably shouldn't do, but you will learn a lesson. He is going to stop talking to you, but Samantha is going to stick by your side no matter what happens, so keep your head up. The two of you are going to have a crazy wild summer together, with lots of rapping, lots of uno, and lots of singing in the car. Tons of late nights, boys after boys after boys after boys, lots of nights at Dairy Queen, and some movie nights at the apartments on Hawaii lane. You're also going to discover a boy, who has been by your side the whole time, quit teasing him and date him. He will make you happy for 11 months. You will have some pretty killer fights, he's going to wreck his car, and you and Samantha are going to part ways for a while because of him, but don't worry. You and your first real love, will also give each precious gift. Something so precious, that you will never ever forget each other. This is a big deal. But you'll take it for granted. You won't regret giving that gift to him though. The two of you are going to have an awesome time together. Your first summer as just the two of you, you're going to go to the beach together. Batten down the hatches though, because he's about to rock your world. You have noticed that is has been getting harder to get him to say he loves you. Just breathe. He's going to call you a week after you get back to the beach, and tell you he needs to talk to you. Try to keep calm, and go ahead. When you get to where he is, please try not to cry too much, because that just shows you're weak. You're going to cry a lot anyway, even though, you probably shouldn't have. It's okay though, this is a different kind of heart break. Your first true love is going to leave you for another girl that night. He's also going to lie to you about it. But you're strong. You can get through even though right now you're defeated. I will warn you, it will only get worse. But it won't be bad forever. Samantha is going to find her way back into your life. You are going to be close with her for a while, but that first true love of yours, is going to keep his lies going into your head, about Samantha. You and her, will fight more. It will actually get so bad, that there will be a terrible fight between your first true love, and her best guy friend. You may think he's standing up for you now. But he's going to screw you over again, for the girl with the glasses. The girl he left you for to begin with. How I wish I could stop you. How I wish I could tell you how NOT worth it he is. But I can't. I will only tell you it will get better someday. You are going to turn 18. You and Samantha are going to part ways again. You are going to part ways with your first true love as well. But it's okay because a very sweet, very scrawny guy, will meet you at Walmart one night. He's going to make you smile, make you laugh, and give you his jacket. The two of you are going to go on dates every weekend, he is going to help you keep gas in your car. He's going to be the best friend in the world to you, and you are going to love him so much. But you aren't going to want to be with him. (You're ridiculous.. and still hurting from your first true love) He will be understanding though, and stick by you. He won't care what the other people say. You will string him along behind you, for half a year. You will also fancy a soldier, come summer time, and it will be so hard for you to choose one. So you just keep them a secret from each other. You're a jerk. You will break the sweetie's spirit, to pursue the soldier. Only, to find, that the sweetie, is the one you need. You will come crawling back to him, and after tears for days, he will forgive you, and the two of you will be completely lost in a whirlwind of love. You're going to move out of your moms house because your step daddy is going to be more than you can handle. You're going to get tired of his mean words. You're going to move in with a sweet friend who is going to help you, and he is going to be with you. He is going to love you hard, and love you strong. You're also, going to become friends with Samantha again. She likes him too. He is going to give you every single piece of him, and you're going to fall for it all. He is going to wrap you up in his arms, and take you away from every kind of love you've known. He's going to change you. Wonderful right? If only teenage years worked like that. You're turning 19 now, and you never see the sweetie, whom you've called yours for 4 months of bliss now. He seems distant, and has started drinking heavy. You almost have to beg him to come around. You know what's coming. Just hold on sweetie. This is going to be rough. He's going to break up with you on your 4 month anniversary, and he will do it over the phone. I am sorry. You are going to go through the worst pain you've ever felt. He is going to crush you. You realize that your true love, was never love. That this is what real love was. You loved the sweetie, until he turned mean. Until he hated you because he was told to. This is not going to go away quick. You are going to become distant. I wish you would not do that. But you will. You will lose almost all of your friends just because you're so devastated. He's going to tease you for months and months, take advantage of your mind, and of your body. You're going to let him. You're going to lose weight, and take up smoking. You're going to start getting less sleep and you're going to skip school. He's going to change you even more. One day, you're going to be on the way to the gas station, to buy cigarettes, and you're going to see that they're building something new in Dobson. A "Sheetz". You've never heard of Sheetz before, but you need a job.

You and your mom are getting a house together, so you want to help pay the bills. You are going to apply. They are going to call you back a week later, set up and interview and you'll get the job. Hold on even tighter. Your life, is going to spiral out of control. You're going to start training every day at Sheetz. They're going to wear you out, but it's going to take your mind off the sweetie, who has turned into a drunk. You'll wonder what you were ever thinking. But you're secretly not over him. In may, of 2012 You'll work every day of the week between 2 jobs. You and Samantha will find each other again. You will meet a player. You will let him get you drunk, you will play along, you will smoke many cigarettes, and sleep none. You are going to move in with a couple of life long friends. You are going to party on the weekends. You're going to get in trouble with the police. Your Sheetz in Dobson will open and you'll work during the day and party with the player and his friends at night. A month or so in, with hanging with this player (around July) you'll decide he's too clingy, and too immature for you. You are going to cut him off, and he is going to talk trash about you, to everyone you know. One day at work, you're going to be in the break room crying, and you're going to look up, and see someone who is going to change everything. Mr. Perfect. He's going to cheer you up. He's going to make you smile. You're going to talk day in and day out. But, there is one problem. He has a girlfriend. But you'll already be in love. This is a different kind of love. He is different. He is perfect. He does no wrong. He will help you stop smoking, and partying. Right when you think he is going to leave your friendship for good, he's going to break up with her and tell you he loves you. You are going to float over the moon. I don't want to give away the end, but there is no heartbreak at the end of things with Mr. Perfect. It only gets better. Everything changes. And all the pain, heartbreak, struggle, and lessons, will be worth it. You're going to be just fine. This journey is going to be harder than you have ever imagined, but I promise you, everyone was right when they said that it will all get better. Just keep your faith in God and he will see you through. I bet you can't wait to see your future can you? Well, I will give you a hint.

It's beautiful.

All my love, 
Jessica Louise Cavanaugh

We've gotta catch up sometime.

Well, since there's no snow. :| And i'm sitting here doing nothing at all, (besides trying to stay warm) Maybe i'll blog a little. I have been slacking major, after I was doing so good with the daily blog.

Huffington Post inspires me. I saw this post today, and it had be feeling so much better about my life, and the stress seemed to float away. 

Things To Know, Understand and Live By:

1. It's OK to think you're awesome. 

2. Choose yourself. 

3. Twenty seconds of courage is all you need when you're feeling fearful or anxious.

4. Ask for help. 

5. Stop being so jaded. 

6. Forgiveness and acceptance are freeing and necessary to maintain peace of mind. 

7. It's OK to change your mind on anything, big or small, at any time.

8. Make the time to foster your creativity, always.

9. Don't be afraid of change.

10. It's OK to not be friends with people anymore. 

11. Choose Love.

To Do:

12. Cook. 

13. Learn a second language fluently. 

14. Back up my phone and computer regularly. 

15. Treat the weekends as more than just a time to go out. There's something sacred in having 48+ hours of consecutive free time to do things you can't usually do on the weekday... things that go beyond just going out. Examples include hanging with loved ones in a non-party setting, reading, sleeping, writing, creative endeavors, catching up with long-distance family and friends, cleaning, learning a new skill and spending quality time alone.

16. Relearn history/Watch the news. 

17. Live abroad for at least six months. 

18. Learn self defense.

19. Stop biting my nails. It's just a gross habit.

20. Have a savings account. 

21. Appreciate and spend quality time with my parents more. 

22. Make my bed every day and eat breakfast. It just feels more adult-like to make my bed in the morning and eat a healthy first meal.

23. Take care of my body. 

24. Have better posture.

25. Stop being addicted to technology. I want to stop checking my phone, emails and Facebook first thing in the morning/last thing at night, as well as throughout the day as much as I do.

(Source: The Huffington Post)

Definitely some words to live by :)

Got my wheels a'turnin.

I'm so easily inspired lately. Everything I see and do in life, bring me to love being on this earth more. I have developed the ability to find the beauty in everything.

Like, yesterday, I went on a walk down main street, and I just decided to take photos of everything I saw. I saw so many different things, that were simple and beautiful without even trying.

discovering simple beauties in life are what seem to make me the most happy as of now.

I've been so busy, but I've been thinking non stop, about things I wanna see and do with life, from finding the perfect house, to finding the perfect black flats.

From finding a chevron shower curtain, drinking more smoothies, life has become such an inspired adventure. 

I want to hang nothing but black and white pictures in my house, but I want them to be in colored frames. Two purple frames I received as wedding gifts were my inspiration for that. 

I've also been making a playlist of songs that make me happy, and remind me of good times.

Imagine Dragons - It's Time

Helpless When She Smiles - BSB

Some Nights - FUN

Devils Den - Skrillex

If It Means A Lot To You - ADTR

Lights - Ellie Goulding

Something to Believe in - Parachute

Doing It Wrong - Drake

Kiss Me When I'm Down - Gary Allen

Always Attract - You Me At Six

Hot Revolver - Weezy

Get Your Shine On - Florida Georgia Line

We'll Be Fine - Drake

Personal - Stars

Just The Way You Are (Cover) - Boyce Avenue

Natalie - Bruno Mars

One Thing - One Direction

Hands All Over Me - Maroon 5

The Time - Black Eyed Peas

Smother Me - The Used

You and I - Lady Gaga

Drunk On You - Luke Bryan

Will You Be There - MJ

Louder Than Thunder - TDWP

We'll Be A Dream - WTK

All Me - Drake

My list is eternal. Not complaining. 

This list definitely comes in handy on nights where i'm like, I am gonna listen to nothing but sad songs and drown in my sadness. sad sad. 

Sad sad sad.

I've also decided that I am going to spend much more time heating healthy, and less time calling myself fat. Where will that get me? Nowhere. 

I also need to write more letters, and draw more often. 

Tattoos are coming as well, this summer, once Dyllon and I get our money right..

**naaa….naa…na na, wait'll I get my money right**

Maybe i'll finally be brave enough to get the half sleeve. In honoring my Papaw, I think I can pull it off.

I guess i'll end my rant now, but one more thing.

The layout here is new? Do you like it?

Leave me a comment, I like one every now and then. i know Y'all follow me, drop in and say hi!

I'm slacking

But i've also been lacking in sleep.
Soon, i'll catch up.